Baby Bitter

BFN

noreply@blogger.com (Lloyd61) — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 02:47:00 +0000

Those of you who know, will know what that means.

Back to the drawing board.

False Alarm

noreply@blogger.com (Lloyd61) — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 14:32:00 +0000

AMAZINGLY, it wasnt my period at all. Just a random spit in your face-laugh at you while you panic- kind of thing that indeed made me freak out for no reason? It only lasted a day, went away, and aparently my lining is still a-ok for a transfer. Weird.

Anyway, the date got moved because despite the pretty triple fold lining it wasnt quite ready for a Wednesday transfer so now pushed back to Friday.

I hope those embryocicles are thawing out nicely. Only time and my lovely 2-week wait will tell.

Because someone hates me...

noreply@blogger.com (Lloyd61) — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 16:32:00 +0000

I have a January 23rd frozen embryo transfer scheduled, and despite the shots my husband has been giving me in my backside, Ive managed to get my period.

I cant get a period normally, but when Im trying to NOT get one, it comes. Nice.

I give up.

Finally... a plan

noreply@blogger.com (Lloyd61) — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 14:15:00 +0000

The wheels are finally in gear for another tet-a-tet with fate. January 23rd is the date. I have a nice 6 embryocicles just waiting to be warmed up and thrown into my waiting uterus. Nice image, no? Im feeling surprisingly optimistic about the whole thing. We currently fighting with the doctor though. For some reason he thinks tranferring 3 is a bad idea. What? you think triplets are bad? Please, we put in 2 last time and the one that took didnt have a skull. Im not super convinced Im going to have 3 super babies. And if I do? Good! Then I dont ever have to do this crap again. Apparently, although the frozen embryo transfer is easier, there is no surgery and I only have to go in for ultrasounds and blood work about 5 times (compared to the 30 times of a regular IVF cycle) I have the added bonus of extra shots in my ass. Thats right. my ass. Well, really my "hip" but the pain affects my sitting, so its my ass to me.
Anyway, its nice to finally have a plan.

Anyone Else??

noreply@blogger.com (Lloyd61) — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 19:43:00 +0000

Not to be bitter, but I am... can anyone ELSE get pregnant? Seriously. Why dont we rub it in just a little bit more. Besides one of my closest friends from college, who so lovingly told me how "easy it was for them to get pregnant" and a friend at work, lets see who else we've found out is pregnant since fate took a great big shit on my reproductive dreams...

Jamie Lynn Spears
Hallie Berry
Jennifer Lopez
Mellisa Joan Hart
Cate Blanchett
Nicole Richie
Jessica Alba
Brooke Burke
Christina Agulera
Lilly Allen (who normally wouldnt count, except that she's in all of the magazines.)

I expect we'll hear of at least 10 more before the beginning of February when Im due for my next kick in the nuts (also known as my likely negative next pregnancy test from an IVF)

Thats not what happened

noreply@blogger.com (Lloyd61) — Sun, 18 Nov 2007 23:41:00 +0000

My emotions recently have been much more stable. I dont know if its that I no longer have crazy pregnancy emotions, or that Im finally far enough removed from all of this that I can finally see the future.

My newest annoyance however, is totally unfounded I know, but bothers me none-the-less. I did NOT have a miscarriage. I dont know why it bothers me so much when people assume that I did. Its still a loss just the same, but is it that I had to make my own choice of what to do instead of my body doing it for me? Besides, once you are 3 months pregnant, you arent SUPPOSED to have miscarriages. Anyway, I'm annoyed.

Getting Mildly Better

noreply@blogger.com (Lloyd61) — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 17:25:00 +0000

I had 2 days last week and 1 day this week so far that I didnt bawl. I think thats a good sign. I'm getting more and more nervous though. I feel like I dont have control of my life which makes me crazy.

We get the 1st set of test results back on Monday. Why it takes 2 weeks to get this done, I dont know. What I do know is that its insane to have to wait. Obviously, we're hoping that all tests come back negative. That the anencephalia was a total fluke - and that we were just really really unlucky. We'll still have to wait another few weeks for the chromosomes from the fetus to come back. And if they come back negative, then we can FINALLY start trying again.

And thats another worry... we only get three tries per live birth. One is already done. I have 2 more, but I'd like to do an FET (frozen embryo transfer). The fresh IVF has a 65% pregnancy rate. The FET has a 20% pregnancy rate. BUT its not painful, it only takes 5 weeks (instead of IVF's 8 or so) so obviously I want to try the FET, but to waste one of my precious tries on something with only a 20% pregnancy rate? Is it worth it? This is what keeps me up at night. I will say that if its not going to work, I certainly hope it just plain doesnt work rather than gets me pregnant for a few months and then screws me over like it did this time. Im quite certain that I cant handle this again. I can hardly handle it this go-around.

TV Media - What a pain in my butt

noreply@blogger.com (Lloyd61) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 01:45:00 +0000

Tonight I was watching "Fever Pitch"
During the movie we saw:

a) a preview for the next Scrubs where JDs girlfriend who "accidentally" got pregnant has her baby

b) a commercial for Verizon where teh girl tries to tell her husband that she is pregnant (and the call drops.)

c) Drew Barrymore on Fever Pitch explaining that she's "late" oops!?

How the hell am I supposed to stop feeling sorry for myself when the media keeps rubbing my nose in it? Yeesh!

Mourning time is OVER

noreply@blogger.com (Lloyd61) — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 15:21:00 +0000

Its been 6 days since we heard the news that the baby we'd been planning for for 2 years; the baby we had my entire family excited about, that we were already head over heels in love with had a fatal birth defect.

Has it been too long to still be upset about this?

When I walk the dog in the morning and start to cry over the loss, over the sense of emptiness and lack of hope, does that mean Im crazy? Im overreacting?

How much time am I allowed to not want to socialize; to go home to my husband, drink some vodka and watch bad tv?

I took two days off last week, and although I spent the majority of those two days in the hospital, isnt that enough time off from work? Isnt it time to put on a big happy smile and just GET OVER IT?

What is acceptable?

"I'm afraid I do..."

noreply@blogger.com (Lloyd61) — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 14:42:00 +0000

October 24th marked Week 12 of pregnancy. That glorious day when we were finally done with the 1st trimester and safe and sound. Only a 3% chance of miscarriage. And we could start to tell our friends. I couldnt wait. We knew our friends would be SO excited for us. It had been almost 2 years that we'd been trying to have a baby, and FINALLY we had done it.

We waited close to 45 minutes in Dr. P's waiting room watching 2 families come in with their children. I thought - how different this is than the Fertility Clinic's waiting room. Anyone who brough children in was looked at with disdain - how dare you bring your children in here when all of us can not have any. and often the bitter, You already have a child. Its not fair. I have admittedly thought the same.

We FINALLY went into the little cold office. Nervous, but excited that when we went home we would send an email to all of our family and friends about our gift. Our wonderful child that it had taken 2 years to create and a lot of tears and about 183 shots and 67 ultrasounds... finally.

And then the sonographer came in, put gel on my belly and began to look.

"Look! 2 arms and 2 legs" we exclaimed to each other

"Look, you can see the profile!"

"Look! The heartbeat!"

And then the sonographer played the sound of the heart. I can still hear it. Clear as day.
thumpity thumpity thumpity thumpity.

It was beautiful.

And then we heard it.

"Humph." It came from the sonographer, along with a little frown and the words, "Im going to have to do an internal ultrasound." Why dont you change into this gown and I'll bring the doctor in in a minute.

She left the room and I turned to my husband... "Its something bad."

He said he disagreed. Perhaps she just couldnt see something and needed to get a better look.

"No," I said. "Its bad.

And then the sonographer came back 20 minutes later and said the doctor would be in shortly. "Shortly? How long is shortly?" She explained that there was an emergency, that someone was about to deliver a baby.

How is that an emergency??? At least she's having a baby! Isnt the fact that you are abut to give me bad news about my unborn child an emergency?

When she came back in 10 minutes later, without the Doctor, I asked her point blank, "Is there something wrong with our baby?"

"I dont know." she said, "Thats why Im getting the Doctor."

She might as well have said "Yes." From that moment, my heart sank. And when the doctor came in, finally and looked at the ultrasound.

"Do you see something wrong with our baby?"

"Yes." he said, "Im afraid I do."

Clearly, someone in charge doesnt want us to procreate. Which I find upsetting knowing some of the couples who have had babies recently.

Pregnant with Twins! Psyche!

noreply@blogger.com (Lloyd61) — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 14:27:00 +0000

May 7th. That was the due date.

Once you are told that you are pregnant, when you go through IVF, its not easy like when regular people get pregnant. You STILL have to go in every three days to check your "beta" numbers. Anything over 70 means you are pregnant. Mine was 1200. My nurse, J, said, "OOOh, I think its twins since your numbers are so high. I told you to only put one embryo in." (We put in 2). We were excited because 2 babies meant we never had to go through this again. AFter all, it had been a year and a half.

The next two betas were painstaking. You read the blogs and watch as people count their numbers and compare. And then you wait for the 5th week when you have your first ultrasound. The ultrasound is the key - because once you see/hear the heartbeat, its like you've just lowered your chance of miscarriage from 50% to 10%. Some people see it at 5 weeks.

We did not.

We also only saw one embryo... sort of. The sonographer looked at the ultrasound with a critical eye and said, "I see somethign here... when you come back next week, we might see another one." We were excited. NO, we hadnt seen a heartbeat, but maybe it was TWO! TWO babies! How wonderful.

Of course, it wasnt.

When we went back for our 7 week ultrasound, there it was, clear as day. ONE baby. But that one baby had the most beautiful heartbeat we'd ever seen.

Thump thump thump thump.

It was fantastic.

And by week 10 we were ready. The doctors had all seen the baby. We had "graduated" from the Fertility Clinic and they sent us to our regular OBGYN. We took the ultrasound of the profile of our beautiful baby (who we were affectionately calling "Irving") to my parents. We were finally ready to tell them.
(My father is extremely emotional. We wanted to make sure everything was ok with the baby before we got him excited to have a grandchild.)
When we told my parents - we did it with such finesse - we put the tiny ultrasound in a frame and wrapped it. We said it was a present for my mothers birthday. It was all my father could talk about. He kept calling himself "Grandpa Mikey"

We told my husbands parents and they were very excited too. I even got a hug from my husband's father - something that after 9 years of knowing him, Ive never had before. Afterall, this grandchild would be nearby. Only a mile away.

Week 11 we finally saw the OBGYN. She was wonderful. She told us everything we needed to know. Dont eat deli meats, soft cheeses, caffeine, alcohol, artifical sweetners -- all of the things Id been avoiding for 3 months now. She took some blood for my ashkenaszi panel. Things like Taysachs disease. I passed with flying colors. Dr. M asked us if we planned on getting any testing done on the baby. We said, yes, we'd like anything that was noninvasive to be done. She said, "why dont you plan to do a screening over at the preinatologists." Theywill do a trifold screening between 11 and 13 weeks and you can ask him about whether to continue your metformin (because PCOS patients have a bigger risk of prenatal diabetes). We agreed and made an appointment with Dr. P to make sure our baby didnt have something "horrible" like downs syndrome.

If only our baby had had downs syndrome.

Baby Bitter

noreply@blogger.com (Lloyd61) — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 13:53:00 +0000

It amazes me how many people get "accidentally pregnant."
"Ooops, I dont know how that happened. " or
"We were wearing a condom/taking birth control"
"I dont know HOW this happened!"

How is this possible? I dont understand.
In March of 2006 we decided that it was time to have a baby. We'd had our two years of marriage and I was 30. It was time to raise a family. I wasnt sure I wanted it. Afterall, that would mean, no drinking, no partying, no staying out late...

Who was I kidding? I went to bed at 10pm and went to exercise class at 5:45am every morning. I certainly wasnt drinking or carousing until all hours of the morning.

So in March of 2006 we stopped the birth control and started "trying."

By June 2006 when nothing had happened, we went to the doctor to get some tests done. I have PCOS so we knew it would be a little more difficult than most, so I got some Clomid, and those handy-dandy charts to chart my temperature every morning. You would know when you were supposd to have sex because your temperature would go up. So we would start. 97.5; 97.5; 99.5 (ooh ooh ohh); 97.5 (oh.) 97.5; 97.5. My temperature would never go up, and when it did, it would come right back down again with no regular consistancy. Clearly, I wasnt ovulating.

No problem, the region's biggest and best fertility center was only one mile away. We made an appointment for December and got tested for all of the items that might keep someone from getting pregnant. Phil had some retarded swimmers - 2 heads, 2 tails, etc. BUT he had enough normal ones to not be the issue.

Of course, the issue was me. I just wasnt ovulating.

The Doctor, Dr. S., assured me that this was a common problem and explained our options. We would start with Intra-Utero Insemination (IUI). This is a process where they watch your follicles until they are big enough to pop out an egg. (By daily shots in the stomach) Then they "trigger" your body (through a great big shot in the stomach) to release said eggs. Then, 24 hours later, you go into the office and they put the sperm in and let them do their thing.

What people dont understand is that this is not a one-time office visit. YOu have to go in almost every day for 2 weeks. You sit in an office and wait for your name to be called. Go in before 7am, and you'll probably only wait about 20 minutes. Go in after 7am, and the wait can be as much as an hour. You also get to give blood each of those days. Give blood and have a lovely ultra sound. (which is the one INSIDE your cooch. Not the lovely one on top of your belly.)

So in January, after we were prepped, we had our first IUI. Nothing.

February we went in for our 2nd IUI - They found a cyst and had to cancel the whole thing. This is of course AFTER I had already gone in for several weeks.

April we went in for our 3rd IUI - Nothing.

Remember, that for all of this work, the pregnancy outcome is 12%.

Thats right - IUI nets a 12% pregnancy rate.

So why do it? Because an IUI costs about $1200 to an insurance company.

IVF costs close to $22,000.

So after three failed attempts we decided to go the more invasive, yet successful way... the IVF.

IVF (In-vitro fertilization) is a LONG, invasive process that includes daily shots in the stomach for close to 6 weeks followed by 2-4 weeks of large painful progesterone shots in the butt.

However, its 60% effective.

And 60% is much higher and 12%.

So in July and August we began IVF. IVF is much different than IUI in that instead of counting on the sperm to find the egg and fertilize it themselves, the eggs and sperm are joined together in a petri dish and watched until they fertilize and grow and once the fertilized eggs and sperm become embryos they are put back into the very cushy uterus and allowed to grow.

Getting the sperm is easy. Thats a Saturday night for my husband.

Getting the eggs is not easy. Its weeks and weeks of shots in the stomach. Big shots. And then its a surgery. With anethetic. And they farm the eggs. Most people have about 10. We had 30.

Of those 30, 19 fertilized. Then they take the very best 2 and put them back in 3 days later.

Sometimes 5 days.

And in my case, 6.

I should have known then.

No one has a 6-day transfer. I read blogs, support boards, I didnt find one person who had to wait until the 6th day.

I ALSO didnt find one person who after 2 weeks of getting shots of progesterone in the butt got a 101 degree fever from the infection it gave them.

I couldnt walk or sit for a week.

Finally they switched me to a different drug that didnt require that my husband shoot me in the butt.

And finally, after 2 weeks of waiting, we were told, We're Pregnant.