"I'm afraid I do..."

October 24th marked Week 12 of pregnancy. That glorious day when we were finally done with the 1st trimester and safe and sound. Only a 3% chance of miscarriage. And we could start to tell our friends. I couldnt wait. We knew our friends would be SO excited for us. It had been almost 2 years that we'd been trying to have a baby, and FINALLY we had done it.

We waited close to 45 minutes in Dr. P's waiting room watching 2 families come in with their children. I thought - how different this is than the Fertility Clinic's waiting room. Anyone who brough children in was looked at with disdain - how dare you bring your children in here when all of us can not have any. and often the bitter, You already have a child. Its not fair. I have admittedly thought the same.

We FINALLY went into the little cold office. Nervous, but excited that when we went home we would send an email to all of our family and friends about our gift. Our wonderful child that it had taken 2 years to create and a lot of tears and about 183 shots and 67 ultrasounds... finally.

And then the sonographer came in, put gel on my belly and began to look.

"Look! 2 arms and 2 legs" we exclaimed to each other

"Look, you can see the profile!"

"Look! The heartbeat!"

And then the sonographer played the sound of the heart. I can still hear it. Clear as day.
thumpity thumpity thumpity thumpity.

It was beautiful.

And then we heard it.

"Humph." It came from the sonographer, along with a little frown and the words, "Im going to have to do an internal ultrasound." Why dont you change into this gown and I'll bring the doctor in in a minute.

She left the room and I turned to my husband... "Its something bad."

He said he disagreed. Perhaps she just couldnt see something and needed to get a better look.

"No," I said. "Its bad.

And then the sonographer came back 20 minutes later and said the doctor would be in shortly. "Shortly? How long is shortly?" She explained that there was an emergency, that someone was about to deliver a baby.

How is that an emergency??? At least she's having a baby! Isnt the fact that you are abut to give me bad news about my unborn child an emergency?

When she came back in 10 minutes later, without the Doctor, I asked her point blank, "Is there something wrong with our baby?"

"I dont know." she said, "Thats why Im getting the Doctor."

She might as well have said "Yes." From that moment, my heart sank. And when the doctor came in, finally and looked at the ultrasound.

"Do you see something wrong with our baby?"

"Yes." he said, "Im afraid I do."

Clearly, someone in charge doesnt want us to procreate. Which I find upsetting knowing some of the couples who have had babies recently.